Unexpected dismay

So I didn’t expect this.

I have eight more work days in which to finish my last assignment. I figured I’d need at least six of those days to really get it done, though I thought I might be able to crank it out in five, giving me and my boss an extra day or two to go over it and make sure there weren’t any necessary changes.

Today I all but finished the thing. Accidentally. Kind of. I wasn’t really expecting that to happen but I stumbled across a few bits of information that hadn’t totally registered with me earlier. Combined with some additional research I’d done this morning, I suddenly found myself changing some things around and…well, the bulk of my assignment is done.

I’ll still need two or three days to get it actually street legal — there’s a huge chunk I haven’t written, for instance — but the hard part is over. And suddenly I feel really crappy.

I’ve been so fixated on getting out of here, moving across the country to be with my husband, and starting my new (awesome) job that I haven’t really been spending a lot of time enjoying my current (awesome) job. And now that my last big project is almost behind me, I feel really sad that I haven’t taken more time to just enjoy it.

Of course, even writing that assumes a lot of things that aren’t necessarily true — first and foremost being that I am capable of really sitting back and enjoying any job that constantly challenges me and that also makes me feel like I have to work really hard to be worthy of the job. I’m not sure I am capable of not being stressed out and insecure and nervous and anxious about any job I really love and want to be good at.

So now, finally, with eight work days left, I suddenly realize how much I do love this job — or, not so much realize but have internalized it. And I also am starting to feel like I’m actually good at it. I’m feeling confident and satisfied — and sad that it’s all going to be over so very, very soon.

I know my new job will be fantastic and that I’ll be good at it, too, eventually. And when I finally realize that I’m good at THAT job, I know I won’t be faced with the predetermined end of it all — as far as I know (and as long as I am good at what I do), I can stay in that job until I don’t want to anymore. But right now I’m just sad — and maybe even a bit freaked out — that I’m moving on from something that I’m really good at and that I’m finally really (and totally) enjoying.

Sigh. My motto is always “Leave while you’re still having fun,” but I didn’t realize it applied to work also.

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